


Unlovable

by theSinTin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Love Triangles, Multi, Polyamory, Self-Esteem, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 15:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16915263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theSinTin/pseuds/theSinTin
Summary: Who would love a man who cannot love himself?





	Unlovable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mssdare](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssdare/gifts).



> First time writing Kyluxma, even though I've been a big fan of the ship since joining the fandom. Please enjoy!

Kylo stared at General Hux and Captain Phasma sharing a lunch in the mess hall together. 

Standing in the back, Kylo liked to watch others eat. He preferred his meals in his private quarters, but he often found himself visiting the common eating areas to observe others. He found it fascinating how different some people would act on duty, compared to when they were eating among colleagues. 

General Hux was a prime example of this. Hux was stiff and emotionless on the bridge, commanding the crew better than Kylo ever could himself. The man acted more droid than human most of the time, rarely ever showing his own anger or annoyance in his expression. And yet, here with Captain Phasma, he seemed to soften. Soft smiles even seemed to come easy when Phasma made a joke, or commented on something Hux was speaking about. His face became something more human, expressive. The transformation was almost startling, it was one of the many reasons that Kylo found himself people watching like this.

Was it really people watching, though, if the _only_ reason he came down here was to watch Hux?

Kylo never liked to focus on his motives for this. He already had too many emotions stirring around inside of himself, tearing him open from the inside out. But a very big part of him knew that he felt more for the General than just a sense of curiosity. 

Part of the reason Kylo could never let himself focus too much on his interests in Hux would be because of Phasma. Phasma, utterly striking without her chrome helmet on, seemed so perfect when she sat with Hux. They looked to be the perfect couple, both tall and intimidating in their own ways. She was taller than most women and even the men in the Order, and her lean, fit body only added to her intimidating looks. Hux, on the other end, used his intellect to get to the top. The man was one to be feared, that was for sure. Kylo had heard many a rumor regarding what happened to members of the Order who got on Hux’s bad side.

It was one of many reasons why Kylo kept the general around even after seizing control out from under him so quickly. He needed to keep the general close to him or else he’d be on the bad end of the ginger man’s anger. Or worse, both Hux’s and the Captain’s bad sides. Even with a scar now covering part of the left side of her face, she was still striking and ready to cause some major pain for Kylo. He could sense some fear from Phasma in regards to himself, if only for her not fully understanding what he was capable of. But he knew if the general was in trouble, she would defend him to the end.

Knowing this, and how the two spent most of their off hours together, lead Kylo to believe there was something more between the two. Yet another reason Kylo could never investigate his feelings for Hux. Never truly explore what they meant. Why he himself couldn’t just take Hux’s life when he was choking him in the throne room. He just couldn’t think about those feelings.

He already knew what they meant anyway.

\---

“Supreme Leader,” came Captain Phasma’s voice from behind Kylo’s back. He promptly turned to address the captain, who was in her full gear now. Face covered and seemingly expressionless. “Good evening sir, I wanted to update you on the troopers in training if you have a second.”

Phasma rarely spoke to him, likely because he was an unpleasant person to speak to and he was well aware of it. Something about Phasma herself speaking to him always rubbed him the wrong way too. Maybe she just gave off that air that put Kylo on edge.

(Or he was jealous.)

“Proceed,” he commanded her, ready to tune out the actual conversation. He assumed that whatever she needed, she was only filling him in on and wanted to get confirmation on proceeding. If any sort of actual issue came up, he assumed Hux would be the one to come to him seeking guidance anyway.

Phasma spoke, voice distorted by her helmet and coming out monotone. It was just a status update, nothing more. How mundane. Kylo missed his own helmet for days like this, wishing to let his eyes wander around the room instead of having to focus on the person he was speaking with. Yet, he needed to play the role of Supreme Leader. 

“It all sounds good, Captain,” Kylo replied once she had finished. “Proceed with the plans, update me if anything else occurs.”

“Yes, sir,” Phasma started. Though she did not turn away and walk as expected. She seemed to linger, unmoving. Kylo likely couldn’t help the curious expression forming on her face from the lingering. Phasma seemed to pick up that she needed to state her further business, so she continued, “Sir, do you ever drink?”

Kylo raised a curious eyebrow, looking at the captain with an unsure stare. “Not particularly,” he answered. A former life of his may have shared some drinks with his father, but that part of him was dead and never coming back. “Why do you ask?”

“I wanted to inquire, sir, if you’d be interested in joining me for a few drinks sometime?” Phasma asked directly, holding her grounds and waiting for an answer.

Shock washed over Kylo’s face before he could stop himself. The captain was really asking him to enjoy some recreational time with her? It was a surprise he hadn’t prepared himself to face, unsure how to reply. “I, hm,” he started with a hum. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this. What did she hope to gain from this? Was there a motive? He would need to investigate more before he agreed to something as relaxed as enjoying each other’s company.

“I will consider the offer, Captain,” Kylo decided to reply, nodding his head. “You are dismissed.” Any disappointment Phasma may have been feeling didn’t show on her chrome covered face, she instead did a small bow before turning and heading off to the bridge. Kylo went to his quarters to think.

\---

No one on that ship had ever requested his presence, besides what was necessary, before. 

Kylo wasn’t really hurt by that. Well, he sort of was, but he didn’t let himself think about that. He knew why no one wanted to be around him, of course he knew. He was aggressive and unstable, ready to choke anyone who upset him enough. Ready to use his lightsaber on the closest object in his path if he messed something up, if he was angry enough. He was an intolerable person, he knew this.

So of course the fact that no one wanted to be around him made sense.

What didn’t make sense was why Captain Phasma wanted to be around him. 

Kylo was left thinking about this for a long time. He began to actively avoid her, it wasn’t particularly hard to do. All he needed to do was say he needed time alone in his quarters and people listened. The only one with high enough clearance to visit him was Hux, who never chose to. Not unless it was something so important, it needed immediate attention. 

So Kylo proceeded to spend all his time alone in his quarters, thinking. No logical answer came up for why anyone wanted to request his company. There was nothing about him to like. Anyone he tried to make connections with pushed him away. He wasn’t planning on reaching out again, he couldn’t handle any more rejection.

(Couldn’t handle the pain of being closed off again.)

Maybe the captain wanted to talk about something else? Maybe just more work? In a more relaxed environment, such as drinking in private with her leader. Or maybe she wanted to befriend him, for some unearthly reason. 

Or maybe she had noticed him people-watching in the mess hall (aka staring at Hux) and was finally going to tell him to stop? Kylo didn’t believe that his possible feelings for the general were obvious, but maybe Phasma had picked up on it and wanted to make it apparent to him that they were in fact a couple and that Kylo should back off? 

That thought made him made him feel awful, and it was not a feeling he wanted to experience. He shouldn’t think about Hux, not when it could unearth things he didn’t want to think about. Didn’t want to take the time to sort out.

Instead of focusing further on the topic, Kylo scrubbed a hand down his face. Groaning into his palm, Kylo rose to his feet. He needed to train, that would put his mind at ease.

\---

It had been several rotations since Phasma had first approached Kylo on wanting to share a few drinks. Once the initial panic of the situation had calmed itself, Kylo had sorted through his thoughts enough to decide he would like to see what Phasma wanted exactly. By saying he sorted through his thoughts, it was more like he choked down his feelings enough that he could satisfy his curiosity by agreeing to this so-called drink together. 

“I would like to share drinks with you, Captain,” Kylo announced suddenly behind Phasma, who seemed to stiffen in surprise. Turning around and seeing Kylo Ren standing behind her, she took a step back before falling into a parade rest. 

“Oh, good,” she replied, more casual sounding than she normally seemed to be with him. “Tonight after our shifts are complete, meet me at my quarters if you will.”

Kylo simply nodded before walking off, not feeling up to responding any further verbally. One could describe him as feeling rather nervous, but he didn’t want to think about that. He was just curious, he would see what Phasma wanted to discuss, and then move on. Things would go back to normal and no one else will request his presence ever again. 

Kylo busied himself for the rest of the day, catching up on some of his duties that he neglected while he was collecting (hiding) himself in his quarters. Seeing Hux was always the biggest pain (highlight) of his day, Hux catching him up on current events across the First Order. They were boring and mundane, but watching Hux talk kept Kylo interested at the very least. 

(His lips looked so nice, Kylo wanted to know what it was like to kiss-)

None of those thoughts.

Once things were over with Hux, Kylo escaped back to his quarters to clean himself up. It wasn’t anything more than a leader and his subordinate sharing a few drinks, and yet part of him still wanted to look presentable. Give himself a shower and a clean shave. He needed to fix his hair, which was easier to maintain now that he wasn’t cramming it into a helmet every day. Kylo looked in the mirror and frowned. 

His lips were too full, nose too large. Ears stuck out too much, eyes too soft. A horrible hodgepodge of features, none of them looking good together. Moles scattered across his face, glaring imperfections on the already horrid piece of work that was his face. He once again longed to have his helmet to hide under. No one needed to know what he looked like, after all. It was better for everyone else if they didn’t know.

But alas, his previous helmet was shattered and destroyed, another result of an explosive outburst. Unable to control himself, unable to be desirable to anyone. 

Kylo could only shake his head lightly. He looked at himself once again in the mirror, before heading to Phasma’s quarters. He was sometime late to the time he said he’d be at her quarters, but he doubted she would notice that. He just wished to get this over with, anyway.

Once he arrived, Kylo requested entry into Phasma’s quarters. It felt like a solid minute before the door opened for him and he was allowed to enter. 

Kylo raised an eyebrow when he found Phasma in the center of the room, sitting on her sofa, face flushed and a feeble smile on her lips, waving him down. She was dressed down to just a standard issued tank top and lounge pants, the drink in her hand half gone. Judging from what was left in the larger bottle on the table in front of her, it wasn’t her first glass.

“Supreme Leader,” she greeted, words slightly slurred, “So kind of you to finally join me.”

Kylo was unsure if she meant that to be sarcastic or not. He tried to not focus on that.

“Captain,” Kylo nodded, coming next to her on the sofa and sitting down. He wasn’t really sure what to do, it had been a fairly long time since he last drank. But there was already a glass on the counter, filled and ready to go. “Was there something you wanted to talk about?” he asked, instead of taking the ready glass.

“Nothing in particular,” Phasma replied, laying back on the sofa after taking another gulp of the strong-smelling alcohol. “Can’t I just ask to spend time with you?”

Kylo wasn’t sure how to answer that question at all. Especially not seeing his (admittedly gorgeous) captain, half drunk and relaxing in her private quarters. “You may,” he replied, fiddling with the fabric of his gloves. “You never asked before, I was curious.”

“Maybe,” she replied, sitting up and walking to Kylo directly. Her face was flushed, the scar covering her left eye more apparent up close. She still looked so pretty. “Maybe I just decided to get the courage to ask?”

Kylo turned his head, unsure what she meant. 

Not getting a response, she continued. “I’ve wanted to ask since you joined us on the Finalizer. I just never let myself.”

“And now?” Kylo asked, not sure where this was going at all.

“Now, well…” she sighed. “I faced death a few months ago. Now is better than never, am I wrong?” Her hand came down and brushed Kylo’s thigh, which Phasma didn’t seem to notice as she drained the contents of her glass. She sighed, stretching her arms out before moving herself… closer to Kylo.

Suddenly, it became very apparent that Phasma was only a few inches away from Kylo.

She moved her hand and now it was resting on his thigh.

Kylo’s brain was no longer keeping up.

“Did you want a drink, Ren?” Phasma asked, leaning forward and grabbing his cup and bringing it back. She held it in front of his face, leaning forward more than necessary. Her hand was still on his thigh.

“I-I’m okay,” he replied. His throat was dry, the drink would help that. But he just couldn’t think for more than a second, especially when her hand started to move in small circles. 

“Suit yourself,” Phasma replied, taking a sip of the amber-colored liquid in the glass before setting it down on the table again. This close, Phasma reeked of the alcohol she had been consuming for an undetermined amount of time. They sat in silence for a few moments, Phasma’s hand never stopping on Kylo’s thigh. It felt good, her hand being there. But he was too panicked to respond, to react in some way. Besides just sitting there and taking the attention, he wasn’t sure how he felt.

“Ren,” Phasma said softly. Kylo turned to look at her face, instead of just blankly staring forward. Her eyes were such a pretty shade of blue up close like this. Her hair looked soft, her face was softened with the alcohol too. Under the stench of alcohol, he could almost smell something sweet. Like perfume. 

Kylo was so entranced by her face that he hadn’t even realized she was leaning in to kiss him. She was already there, locking lips with him. A soft, startled noise escaped his lips, unmoving against Phasma’s own. It was a fairly brief kiss. Phasma pulled away when Kylo was obviously not kissing back. She seemed to search his face for a reaction, anything to indicate how he was feeling.

Kylo stood and left the room without saying a word.

\---

Kylo didn’t let himself think for a few rotations following what happened with Phasma. Didn’t even let himself consider understanding what had happened. Instead of thinking, he’d train. He’d eat. He’d do work in his quarters and have droids send orders from his datapad. He slept a lot, he mediated. Anything to avoid his thoughts.

The feeling of Phasma’s hand on his thigh never went away, he was so touch-starved that it hurt. Any sort of contact was highly desirable and Phasma had been feeding that need. The feeling of her lips on his own had been surprisingly pleasant, even if he hadn’t participated in the kiss. It was easier for Kylo to imagine he was someone else that Phasma had been coming onto so strongly, some unnamed person that wasn’t himself as the object of her desires. His mind couldn’t begin to consider the idea that Phasma, one of the prettiest and strongest women Kylo had ever come across (yes, he was willing to start admitting that), could even possibly be interested in him. 

There was simply no way that Kylo Ren, the ugly man that stared back at him from the mirror, could ever be found desirable by anyone. Let alone Captain Phasma.

And yet, here he was. 

One night, when Kylo had been trying not to think about what happened, he was simply freshening up in the bathroom until he caught sight of himself in the mirror again. Kylo couldn’t really explain it, but the thought of Phasma seeing anything in his disproportionate features caused him to punch the mirror in yet another outburst. The droids he ordered to clean up the mess were efficient as always, the mirror replaced by the next morning. 

It was near the end of his isolation that he came to the very obvious conclusion: Phasma had drunk herself silly and managed to misplace desires she had for General Hux onto Kylo. 

It was so obvious, there was no way the captain had felt anything for Kylo, not really. Maybe Phasma had ended things with the general and was needing someone else to push it onto? Or maybe they weren’t together, and Hux had declined her advances, and she simply moved onto Kylo. 

It made so much more sense, there was simply no explanation for this otherwise. 

It hurt, of course. But Kylo didn’t want to think about that. He knew he wasn’t desirable. There was nothing new there. He could simply ignore this and move on, just as he always has when things went bad.

Confident in his understanding of what happened, Kylo cleaned himself up for the day and went out to the bridge to do his job.

\---

A week had passed since the incident with Phasma, and Kylo still hadn’t seen her. 

Matter of fact, he had rarely seen Hux in that time. Granted, he had only been walking around the Finalizer for a couple of rotations, but normally he had seen both individuals two or three times a day. It was strange.

He needed to investigate. 

First things first, Kylo checked the mess hall. It was where he had always seen the pair before, sharing meals and laughing at each other’s jokes. But their usual table was empty. 

Next was the training rooms. He had seen Phasma and Hux spot for each other before, so that was a possibility. But no luck, void of the two higher officers. Next, Kylo checked Hux’s quarters. Paging for entry got him no results, and using the Force to sense the room proved that the quarters were empty. There was one last place to check, and the idea made his stomach turn. 

Soon, Kylo stood outside of Phasma’s private quarters. 

He hadn’t requested entry just yet, his stomach being a tight ball of nerves. He was unable to even consider entering the room. Using the Force again, he confirmed that there were two people in the quarters. Phasma and Hux, no doubt. He hadn’t allowed himself to think more about what he was doing, searching them out, until just now.

It was foolish, he was sure. He should just turn around and return to his duties instead of bothering the two. He knew where they were now, that should satisfy him. 

Before he knew it, he was requesting entry.

A few beats of silence stretched on for Kylo, his heart racing as he waited for a response to the call. He was almost ready to run off when the door opened, and Hux, wearing just a black tank top and his standard jodhpurs, was standing in the doorway.

“Ren,” Hux said with a glare. This glare seemed to be more nasty than normal, it only made Kylo’s stomach turn more. “What do we owe the honors to?”

Kylo’s mouth felt dry and his mind was racing. He tried to focus and talk, thoughts all over the place. “You...and the captain have been missing.”

Hux rolled his eyes, obviously not caring if Kylo saw him. Not that Kylo could respond right now, anyway. “Yes, Phasma and I decided to take a few days off to sort some things out.”

Hearing that only made Kylo’s face fall. Sort things out, like their relationship? 

That shouldn’t make Kylo feel bad though.

It was none of his business. 

“Is that all, Ren?” Hux asked, looking annoyed.

Kylo was about to speak, but Phasma’s voice cut him off. “Let him in, Hux,” she spoke, somewhere out of sight.

Hux turned to where the voice came from, a far more sympathetic look crossing his face, before he sighed and took a step back to let Kylo have access. Kylo stepped in.

Phasma was once again on the sofa, though she was wearing a fairly plush-looking black robe. She looked freshly showered, hair still a bit wet. She didn’t seem to be wearing anything under the robe, and that was definitely not a thought Kylo should be having right now. 

“Captain,” Kylo started, trying to hold an expressionless face but failing. 

“Supreme Leader,” she replied back, looking at his face before her eyes shifted away. 

It was quiet for a moment. Hux seemed to have disappeared to the little kitchenette that was in the room, allowing the two to talk. 

“I wanted to, uh, apologize,” Kylo found himself blurting out, surprising even himself. But once he started, there was no stopping. “I shouldn’t have just left, I-”

“I shouldn’t have gotten drunk,” she cut him off, sitting up. “I apologize, I shouldn’t have assumed that you were interested. I just…”

Kylo frowned, looking down. He didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry for coming into your quarters when you were like that, I shouldn’t have put you in that position. To confuse me with…”

That made Phasma look up. “Wait, what?” she asked, looking at Kylo. “I invited you to my quarters, of course you saw me in that position. Who am I confusing you with?”

Kylo’s throat was completely dry, especially when Hux walked into the room holding a cup of tea and handing it Phasma. He couldn’t say it… “You confused me with the general, correct? I assumed you had a fight with him and were just looking for somewhere to put your interests.”

Both Phasma and Hux were startled by his response, the room going deathly quiet. 

“Me and Hux aren’t together,” Phasma finally replied, making Kylo’s head snap up in confusion.

“You’re not?” Kylo asked quietly, confused. 

“No,” Hux confirmed a bit sheepish. 

“You two are so…” Kylo paused, trying to pick the right word. “Close.”

“My father partially raised us together,” Hux explained. “Of course we’re close.”

“I can’t date Hux,” Phasma continued, “He’s gay.”

Hux’s eyes grew wide, turning to Phasma for a second. Opening his mouth before shutting it, he turned away. 

“You’re gay?” Kylo asked Hux, who seemed very interested in the floor right now.

“He has been since we were teens,” Phasma seemed to answer in confidence. 

“Oh,” Kylo replied, looking at the floor himself. This changes things, changes everything. Hux wasn’t dating Phasma, they weren’t together. He could explore his feelings with Hux, could think about them.

Except not really, because everyone always left him eventually. 

Kylo bit his lip, angry with himself. Hux wasn’t dating but he couldn’t have him anyway. Nevermind the Phasma situation, he still couldn’t think about that. He couldn’t think about his feelings, he just couldn’t-

“Kylo,” Phasma spoke, standing up and approaching him. Even without her armour and boots on, she matched his height. A hand gently touched his arm, gentle. Seeking contact instead of demanding it like before when she was drunk. “This seems like a huge misunderstanding, did you want to talk about this? It’s okay if you don’t feel anything for me, I just want to talk.”

“I...can’t talk,” Kylo replied quietly, tilting his head away from her. 

“Of course you can,” Phasma insisted, a hand reaching up to cup his cheek. He shamelessly pushed himself against her hand, needing that contact like air. “You can talk with us.”

Except he couldn’t, because talking meant thinking and thinking meant he’d have to consider his feelings about this. All those feelings he kept trying to cover up and pretend didn't exist. All his feelings for Hux, his suppressed feelings of desire. Wanting to be in a relationship with Hux...and Phasma. He wants it with Phasma too. He’d have to think about his feelings, about why he _can’t_ be in a relationship with either of them, because he’s undesirable. He’s intolerable. He’s ugly. Insufferable. He’s…

Kylo hadn’t even realized he’d been crying until the tear on his cheek was being rubbed away by Phasma’s thumb. She looked at him with the same soft, blue eyes, looking interested. As though she wanted to hear his feelings, like she had said. Like it wasn’t just a trick to get him to open up and be vulnerable for her to take advantage of. 

Once the first tear fell, he couldn’t help the rest of them. His tears were falling freely, he was crying into her hands. “Oh Kylo,” she whispered softly, “May we hug you?” she asked, seeking consent. He nodded his head quickly, wanting, no, _needing_ the hug. Soon he found himself pressed against Phasma’s robe-covered body, and Hux quickly joined. Wrapped up between both of them, Kylo felt both wonderfully better but also horrendously worse. 

His emotions flooded out, all the suppressed anger at himself and his repressed emotions for the two of them. He felt loved, felt like he shouldn’t be, and cried more. For once, instead of wanting to hit something to clear his feelings, he wanted to let them out in a more gentle manner. It felt good to cry, felt good to feel their hands patting his back and holding his neck. Felt good to have them with him.

The two of them eventually guided him to sit on the couch. Phasma pulled away to grab Kylo some water, Hux stayed back and hugged him on the side. After Phasma returned with the water, Hux disappeared and returned with a blanket. Somehow, that was exactly what Kylo needed right now. He felt better just having a blanket on him. He was still sniffling, but was calming down.

“I…” he struggled to talk. Phasma’s hand went to hold his own, Hux’s hand on his shoulder. “I like both of you, I didn’t even realize it until you kissed me…”

“Both of us?” asked Phasma curiously. Kylo nodded weakly. 

“I know I can’t...have both. I just want…”

Hux hummed softly, as did Phasma. Kylo wasn’t sure what that meant until he felt a hand in his hair and one on his cheek. 

“Who said you couldn’t have us both…?” Phasma asked with a smirk, petting his hair gently. 

“What…?” Kylo hesitated, looking between the two.

“Phasma and I have been discussing this for a long time,” Hux cut in. “After you joined us on the Finalizer, both Phasma and I found ourselves rather charmed by you. It was awhile before we admitted it to each other and well, since then, we’ve toyed with the idea.”

Kylo remained silent, not believing his ears. Phasma seemed to realize this and picked up. “Hux and I wouldn’t necessarily date, but both of us could date you. If that’s something you’d be interested in, that is.”

“What do you say?” Hux asked, sounding hopeful, staring at Kylo with his pretty seafoam eyes.

Kylo sniffled, his heart racing, but in a good way. He felt a sense of belonging, he was feeling good about this. This felt good. It felt like something he deserved for once, something that wouldn’t be taken. 

“Yes,” he replied quietly, closing his eyes as they both leaned in to kiss his cheeks. A smile spread across his lips and everything felt good.

He thought about his feelings.

He was happy he finally did.

**Author's Note:**

> The best ending for a love triangle, if I do say so myself. I wanted to write sex for this but I think it would be too big of a jump for Kylo's current mentality so I left it out for now. It'll take awhile for the group to get there.
> 
> I hope you enjoy your gift! I had a lot of fun writing it, even though I don't usually write angst. Let me know what you think!


End file.
